Do you ever have that nagging feeling like, “What is this all for?”—I’ve been mulling over that question a lot in my mind lately, and most days, the answer is clear. Other days, I’m really questioning, and overthinking everything.

Wearing: Dress & Bag: Zara, Shorts: Levis, Shoes: Converse

Photography by Christopher Cain | Video edited by me


I’ve been thinking long, and hard recently about what I get out of the things that take up most of my time.

I’m a full-time photographer, and even though I’m always working (which is an absolute blessing in this industry), it sometimes feels like I’m just kind of floating along from gig to gig.

I know it sounds crazy, but even though I have a fun, creative job that pays the bills (thanks, universe!), I still feel very stuck sometimes. Stuck in the sense that I have so many longterm goals—like being published in a magazine, having a showing in a gallery, filming a documentary or music video, or creating a book—that I sometimes become frustrated having to spend the majority of my energy on projects that aren’t necessarily moving me towards those goals. I’m sure everyone feels like that trying to balance their dreams, and making a living.

I’ve shot every type of photo, from food to products to weddings to fashion editorials, so I think now is a good time to reevaluate what I take on from here forward. I feel a bit like I’m back where I started a few years ago, when I was transitioning from being in the workforce to being an entrepreneur, it was such a risky, and exciting time—I’m weighing the risks again, and wondering how I can pivot towards just creating art on my own terms.

The voice asking me ‘what is it all for?’ has been buzzing around in my head for over a year now, and has grown louder as time passes. It’s all I think about in the shower, before bed, while I’m cooking—it’s clearly a message I’m supposed to be listening to, because I’m obviously not fulfilled. I mean, what is the purpose of taking such a large leap, only to reach part of a goal? What were all the trials and tribulations of the last years of my life for, if I was just going to take it this far, and stop?

Clearly, there is more for me beyond freelancing, and clearly it’s time to figure out how to get it.